Trapped by nature in cubicle one



It was a delightful ambient of 21.2c, beneath a blue sky decorated in tufts of white cotton cloud, and bathed in rays of irresistibly inviting bright sunshine. Who, on such a day, could possibly ignore the allure, of a call to nature?

In obedient response, I found myself once again, in the ever uplifting surroundings of Farmleigh Demesne, that magnificent former Guinness Family estate, now in the caretaker ship of the Irish State: Office of Public Works (OPW).

The entrance to Farmleigh Demesne, which is open to the public during much of the year, is accessible from inside Dublin’s Phoenix Park, at the Castleknock Gate end.

Safely parked in the public car park, I stepped into warm welcoming and comforting spring sunshine. I slung my knapsack over my shoulders, pulled on my headphones, and tuned in to my favourite walking companion radio station: Lyric FM.

I was all set; ready to utterly lose myself, as I have done numerous times before, in a stroll around those delightful surroundings, and in tandem, drink in the glorious strains of symphonic music, which I consistently find stimulating both for general thoughts and ideas.

The internal periphery of Farmleigh Demesne, to include the periphery of the public car park, provide an average walking pace duration, of thirty to forty minutes; just perfect for me. So, off I went.

Having completed the circuit of the public car park, and turned on to the path, leading towards Farmleigh House, that voice in my head, the Plumber, broke through the lovely symphonic airs, with a special announcement:

‘The flowers need watering’

Aw heck I thought. My second call of nature today. Can’t that wait? The music was too lovely. The overall ambience in the moment was just way too captivating for any deviations now. I told the Plumber to pipe up, and on I rambled.

However, Plumbers clock was showing one minute to midnight. There was no way; he was letting me off the hook, with his blathering.

Ah, I thought, there’s a pit stop in the courtyard. Maybe a brief diversion there, will quieten the Plumber? And so it was, that I headed to the courtyard.

The hollow clung of the pit stop outer door, saw me within the empty inner sanctum, and heading for cubicle one. Thud and click, and the cubicle door was now closed and locked.

Ah, at last, the Plumber was placated. I could now safely navigate back, into my sunny symphonic bliss, right?

I turned the door latch and pulled; resistance. I turned the latch in the opposite direction and pulled; resistance. I turned the latch back the other way and while grabbing the bottom of the door pulled but again; resistance. Crikey!

I stood back for a five second mind reset, following which I repeated the previous attempted escape ritual, but again; resistance. Good grief! I was incarcerated.

I then heard the hollow clung of the outer door again, followed by a few footsteps. I, the incarcerated, while rapping on the inside of my cell door, called out:

‘Is there anyone out there?’

Free range human answered: ‘Yes’

Incarcerated: ‘I think the cubicle door is jammed. Would you mind giving it a push from out there?’

Free range human: ‘No problem’

Thud on outside of door.

Incarcerated: ‘Not a budge; I think the lock is jammed?’

Free range human: ‘Turn the lever the other way and try again’

Incarcerated: ‘Ok’

Repeat performance but; still resistance.

Incarcerated: ‘No joy’

Free range human: ‘Swing the latch the opposite way, and try again’

Incarcerated: With an accompanying image, of phoning the Samaritans Locksmith – ‘Ok’

As the latch turned, I heard a sound which I had not heard previously. I reached down, grabbed the bottom of the door, and while holding the latch firmly in the chosen position, tugged again, hard on the door.

Ah ha. Miracles do happen. The door grudgingly yielded.

Escapee to Free Range Human: ‘Thanks, you are obviously skilled in remote control’. The inner sanctum reverberated to belly laughter, from Free Range Human.

Gosh, that could be serious; say’s I, to a ‘yep’ response, and a broad smile, from Free Range Human.

‘I’ll head over to the house right now, and let them know the situation. Others could get locked in’ say’s I.

And so I did.

As I arrived, at the transparent glass entrance doors to the house, I could see a lady member of staff inside the hallway, walking towards the doors. I held a door open for her, and as she walked through, I said:

‘Come here till I tell ya. There’s a problem in cubicle one, in the gents’

With a serious face, the lady covered her mouth with her hand, not knowing what was going to be revealed next.

‘Yea, say’s I, there’s a dodgy lock in there, and I nearly got locked in. Maybe ye might consider leaving a spot of lunch in there, for such contingencies?’

Well, it was like sunrise, her hand dropped rapidly away, and her face lit up, in the most magnificent broad smile.

‘Oh right say’s she. I’m so sorry. I think we will have to put some gin in there, as well as lunch’

‘Gin say’s I. Absolutely. Forget about the lunch. Just go with the gin. That would be the best way, by far, to be locked, in there.’

Cue for second round of belly laughter, in fifteen minutes.

‘Sorry about that, says she. I will put an out-of-order notice on the door right now’

‘No problem, say’s I. Thanks.’

I took my leave of smiling Lady Gin, and re-joined my own company, for more symphonic bliss, and my original immersive wallow, in the glorious nature of Farmleigh.

So, is there a moral to this story?

Well yes, there is.

If ever you get locked in a cubicle, it may turn out to be a bigger pain in the a**, than the one you went in with.

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Contact me on Twitter: @DisparatePost

About dubmantalks

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